Pocky Rant: Posers, Snobs, and Other Pocky Problems
This entry was posted on March 20, 2009.
We've had a lot of good times together: Late nights watching Conan O'Brien, picnics in the park, sneaking you into the theater. You were there for me during my worst snack attacks. When I found you, so calm and collected in the middle of an bustling Asian grocer, I picked you up and carried you home. I love you Pocky. But every relationship has its ups and downs. Don't take it personally Pocky, but these are the things I DON'T like about you.
Begin Pocky Rant
Rant 1: Men's Pocky
Where's the women's Pocky? I heart dark chocolate Men's Pocky. It's been a regular in my Asian snack rotation for years. Every time I pull out a box, someone exclaims, "Hey you're not a man!" as if I was somehow blissfully unaware a) that I'm a woman and b) that I'm eating Men's Pocky. The tagline on some boxes of Men's Pocky reads: "For the intelligent connoisseur who enjoys the finer things in life." I'm an intelligent connoisseur who happens to be a woman. Here's my tagline suggestion - "For the guy who think a bigger truck makes him a man." Guys, please be aware that Men's Pocky contains no testosterone. Ladies, for the time being, we'll have to settle for the pretty-in-pink Strawberry Pocky.
Rant 2: Pronunciation and Misspellings
Mispronunciation is perhaps the most egregious of Pocky crimes. It's not pronounced Pockey (like the pony from Gumby) - it's Pocky. Misspellings of the names, perhaps in attempt at cuteness, also pop up all over the place. Please don't write Pocki or Pockie and dot the "I" with a heart. How would you feel if someone misspelled your name? Fun fact: The name was changed to "Pocky", after the Japanese onomatopoetic word for the sound Pocky makes when bitten, "pokkin."
Rant 3: Pocky Snobs and Posers
There are three kinds of Pocky people: Plain Pocky lovers (me), Pocky snobs, and Pocky posers. Pocky snobs and Pocky posers should relinquish their rights to Pocky. Pocky snobs like to point out that they've tried every flavor of Pocky known to man. If you dare jump into a conversation about Japanese food with this person, prepare to be out-Pockied.
First sign you've come across a Pocky snob, if they start the conversation with, "When I was in Japan...." This phrase is not always indicative that you're in the presence of a Pocky snob. Perhaps the person just wants to tell you about their travels. But when they proceed to go on...and on...and on about the gap-year they spent in Tokyo and how they got to try all the rare forms of Pocky (like bluberry Pocky) that the unfortunate rubes in the States will never try, you've come across a Pocky snob.
A Pocky poser eats Pocky because it's a Japanese snack, not because it's sweet and delicious. Deep down inside, they don't even *Like* Pocky. They put Pocky on display like it's a trophy, but rarely open a box. The only time they nibble on Pocky sticks is when watching anime with their friends - never alone. Pocky posers like to make up odd flavors and tell you they've tried them, but when you google "Pickle-Peanut-Butter Pocky," you'll find there is no such thing. Sounds like a wonderful Pocky for pregnant women though doesn't it?
Rant 4: Pocky Imposters
There is only one Pocky in the world and it's Glico Pocky. Since Chocolate Pocky was first introduced in 1970's, imposters invaded grocery stores around the world. There's no mistaking those tasty Pocky sticks. If you've ever bitten into an imposter, you'll notice it's lacking the addictive crunch-and-sweetness quality that defines Pocky. Why even try? Nothing beats Pocky.